Monday, September 25, 2006

badbadbad

hello hello(:
havent updated in a duperbly long time. been really really busy with eh, everything.
mm ALL THE BEST TO EVERYONE FOR EOYs. just pray, study, pray, study. yeah. haha.
oh had eng oral today, it went pretty good(:
and im kinda in a rush now so i cant write emoemo. haha.

my spiritual relationship with god has been really really really bad, way down the drain. im doubting God for the first time in my life. i cant believe it. i was walking down the slope with sam(lim) the other day after sch, then she told me that she's also going through the same. last few weeks whenever i doubt God, i just told myself He is real, He is there, He exists. but thats just the quick way out. but do i really believe? i went nuts and cried several times because of this. i want to believe, i want to have that faith, and i know that God is living. but i cant bring myself to BELIEVE that God is real. its so so hard laa. then i told sheryl(my cm!:D) abt it yesterday cos i was really in a loss. she said that Satan tempts you when you are at your strongest.and reminded me that it was me who once told her that sometimes, we just need to believe, even without first seeing God. its just that blind faith, that faith that's so innocent thats just like: i tell you, you believe.
I WANT THAT FAITH.
and i think i really need it. i mean, i still pray everynight, but after i pray or smth i cant convince myself He's real.howhowhow. so scary:( she said i can like do qt for like one hr or smth after exam, and really meditate. but im so afraid of this time before the exam, during these two weeks. WHAT IF I BACKSLIDE DURING THIS TWO WEEKS?
i so so so do not want to.
AHH.
someone pray for me, please?

Posted by jann at 18:01

Sunday, September 10, 2006

my relationship with God & mich's bday

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY MICHELLE (wee) :D
wed was her bday, met her and aly at ps.
we took neo, and aly and i secretly went to get her ripple flipflops she wanted.
and i bought her a mini cake aly suggested on the way there.
went to watch devil wears prada. duper nice(: it talks alot about current issues, like girls going all out to get the right clothes, shoes, and stuff.
then her dad came and drove us to her hse. we slacked in her room for awhile, then everyone else arrived.
waded in the baby pool to take pics with everyone else, bbq ( we didnt do the bbq-ing) ate, went to her hse. had like her four diff cakes. her mom made strawberry cheesecake with oreo at the bottom. WAY NICE(:
then we were making prank calls, lame, yes i know. they called this guy and let me talk to him. i was like 'heyy, what time's our date tonight? ... huh? youre not david? omg! ahh srysry. 'then i supposedly put down, everyone started laughing like anything and they said 'go jan' and then janell realised i didnt put down properly! and he heard my name. then she slamed down the phone, but he called back so ichanged back to my normal voice and went like 'who are you?' haha then janell clicked off again and switched off the phone. it was sooo funny. everyone made lots of prank calls. oh and when me and mich and aly went to pick her cousin up, we had truth or truth, all the deep dark secrets came spilling out(x haha.
then i went home.

okay next thing. recently, my spiritual life has gone down the drain. way way bad. i hardly do quiet time, no bible reading. i pray for like half a minute and i lose focus. and i dont really care for praying anymore. and i just feel so spiritually weak, like im so far away from God. today's worship was good. i decided i have to pull myself back. my relationship with God = commitment(i know jamie koh hates that word) and its not surprising because commitment is such a big word.i made that commitment last time, and i was committed before. now im so busy, tired. but if others can do it, so can i! i mean i WANT to have that relationship, iwant that relationship to grow, but its so hard, so hard.
today during worship i really put aside my distractions and what joey said ' worship God for who he is and not who you think he is' really struck me. maybe i havent been thinking of God as God, but as a friend, and not a friend who is God at the same time. i havent been giving him enough respect, returning him what he gave me. when you think about who God really is, you'll realise he is so great, you cant find a word to describe him. He is so so big, and i just feel like a small child again, which i am in His sight.it's so wonderful to be God's child(:

and i put my name down for CAMY recruitment. still have to go through audis. hope i get in. my mom doesnt want me to take up so much stuff. she wants me stop ballet even, cos it's twice a week now. i really want to be in CAMY. i put my name down for keyboard. but im afraid i have to go for dunno what during exam period, which i dont want to, and i cant anyway. after exams is fine. but can i bring myself to give up ballet? i really really like dancing.

aiya, dunno what to do la. pray i guess.

Posted by jann at 20:16

Thursday, September 07, 2006

tag thingy

AMANDA YUEN MADE ME DO THIS. haha.
Skin colour: beige
Hair colour: stark raven black (a teacher once asked if i dyed it black. haha.)
Eye colour: dark brown
Clothes colour: white, red, black, blue, purple
Wardrobe colour: blue and brown. i have two.
Seven memorable things this/last month: 1) teacher's day celebration (dressing up) 2)crossroad 47 3) visiting mrs yuen with jo hq and kai 4) going back to fuhua 5) planetshaker's concert 6) bibiana's nicenice dance 7) rachel's funny vandalism thing
Six people you talked face to face this week(since thursday) : 1)michelle wee 2) alyssa 3) jan (my twin!janell) 4) emmeliene 5) megan 6)rachel choe
Five things you bought recently1)buble/milk tea! kiwi and mango 2) icecream at raffles 3) chocolate 4) ticket for the mep concert? 5) new top
Four people you saw today: 1) my family 2) everyone at youth center 3) everyone i walked past 4) some ppl sitting at the busstop/in the bus. wayway more than four ppl, i know. haha.
Three people you want to talk to now but cant: 1)jolene (i was busy when she called. grr) 2) sam (he owes me alot) 3) mummy : IM HUNGRY!

Two things on your mind now: 1) what food there is in my house 2) when am i finally going to do qt. Here's the second one:1. grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18 and find line four: dou dong si le, cun min dou hen ku nao. its my bros chi tb. haha.
2.stretch your left arm out as far as you can. the empty air.
3. last thing you watched on TV? now the TV's on to the channel u show.forgot the title.
4.without looking, guess what time it is: 2243
the actual time? 2350
6.what can you hear with exception of the computer? teevee,some sound from the other com.
7. when did you last step outside?what were you doing? piano lesson this morning, then went to crossroad47.
8. what did you look at before you started this survey? talktalktalk?
9.What are you wearing? michelle's shirt and blue fbts. haha.
10. did you dream last night? some scary thing, that's sorta personal. haha. its about my sis, nth to do with me (i know you're thinking how that's personal)
11.When did you last laugh?er plenty on msn.
12.what is on the walls of the room you are in? clock, speakers, some big picture. PAINT! :D
13. seen anything weird lately? nahh
14. what do you think of this quiz? time-consuming. grahh. (why am i even doing it?)
15. what is the last film you saw? devil wears pradaXD
16. becoming a multi-millionaire overnight,what would you buy? alot of things, including choclate : D aiya dont buy so much la, dump in the bank or invest.
17. tell me something about you that i don't know. i have nvr read or watched harry potter in my life. how interesting.haha.
18.what one thing would you change about the world? er, world peace! xp haha!
19. do you like to dance? YES(:
20. George W Bush... american? yea i guess
21. if your first child is a girl,what do you call her? smth nice ( aduhh)
22. if your first child is a boy,what do you call him: some hot hunky name.
23. have you ever considered living abroad? considered, but i dont think i want to. anyway i wldnt become some ambassodor of spore, i dont want to study political science. haha.
24. what do you want God to say to you when you reach the pearly gates? WELCOME :D
25. 20 people who must do this in their journal or blog. i'll go tag you (x

Posted by jann at 22:53

Friday, September 01, 2006

GHOST

ghost.
this word has many er, negative connotations for most.
actually i was thinking about ghosts.
do ghosts exists?
how come people always mention of seeing ghosts, and/or ghosts haunting them?
how come i've never ever seen one myself?
i asked hoho and his dad this once. his dad pointed out that the Holy Spirit is referred to as the Holy Ghost too. therefore, is spirit = ghost?
ghost in chi is gui hun. spirit in chi is ling hun. both also have the 'hun'. do they share smth in common?
God is a spirit. is He a ghost?
i suppose i'll never see a ghost in my lifetime. as i'll never get to see the Holy spirit. so those people who see 'ghosts' are lying? or just hallucinating.

wiki - A ghost is an alleged non-corporeal manifestation of a dead person. It is often claimed to be a manifestation of the spirit or soul of a person which has remained on earth after death.

according to wiki, the Holy Spirit is not then a ghost, because the Holy Spirit isnt a dead person.
so, believe man or bible? but believing the bible is based on faith after all.

will i come back and be a ghost after i die?
nono, according to the bible, i go to heaven.
therefore, according to the bible, wiki is wrong.

grr. i hate asking questions i cant answer myself. wait, isnt that the point of asking questions in the first place?

grah.

Posted by jann at 18:53

my week

MY WEEK.( the most interesting thing on earth!)
monday : class chapel. its nice that one t is really bonding spiritually as well. chapel was good. the weather had this cool effect, that just made me focus. it was so still. it reminded me of psalms 10 : 41 (i THINK thats the reference) 'be still, and know that I am God.' we did worship, sharing, praying, praying. and most of us cried. it was really emotional. but nice(:

random line : my hair is in a (neat, nice) french braid : D

yesterday (thurs) : teacher's day celebration. four themes to dress up for for the sec side. my class got aloha. i wore this purple top, white shorts, flats - bea helped me stick a (real) flower on each one, let hair down and put this huge blooming lovelyily beautiful hibiscus behind my ear, and this aloha-ish yellow hair tie thing on my wrist (viv's). i think one t looked really aloha-ish. pity we didnt win the best dressed class prize. the celebration was pretty nice. the chers wore mg uni. two male teachers did it too! it was hilarious! haha. went back to fuhua, met most 6a 05 ppl. went to ec to eat, then take neo prints (uber squeezed, not my idea anyway) ate chocolate, bought present for mrs yuen then went to visit her with jo, hq and kai after the rest went back.

random line two : HAPPY TEACHERS DAY(:

random line three : i love chocolate: DD

random line four : my room is now (cucumber) green!

random line four : i love being random.